And I really don’t feel like digging up a whole bunch of sad right now by explaining the history, though I feel a long, drawn out post coming soon.
Just stahp reading if you have an eating disorder right now. I’m frigging serious. I HATE pro-ana shit and that is not my intent with this garbage. So close your browser and go outside for a minute.
Anyway, I’ve eaten maybe 1000 calories today. Subtract the calories I burned running 5 miles in the heat of the evening (It was 88 degrees! What in the hell?!).
I don’t feel that bad right now. I think it’s experience + scientific knowledge. I know what to eat to feel good, so I only eat that. I just ate brussel sprouts. That was an entire meal for me. Whoopee!
My ED isn’t that bad right now. I mean, it’s always there. Sometimes it follows closer than I’d like, but I’m usually pretty good at pushing it away. I don’t know what’s going on with me right now. I cried all day yesterday and considered going to the ER because I was half considering driving into a telephone pole. I don’t get it.
I think I want to attribute it to being out of work (even though my last job made me even crazier), the heat, and needing twice the amount of meds I’m on now. However, I have no insurance, which means I can’t go to the doctor for an appropriate scrip. I try my best to manage it with exercise, doing the OPPOSITE of what I feel like doing (I feel like lying in bed all day so I get up and do dishes, etc.), and just a sprinkle of limerence. I feel like everything I do right now is a failure. Like my mother always said “I feel like everything I touch turns to shit!”.
I think in some ways, my ED isn’t about being thin (though for me, personally, that’s at least 90% of it – I have unresolved issues from being bullied about my weight relentlessly as a child by “friends” and family), and sometimes about feeling like I’m succeeding at something.
I have applied for 15+ jobs. I am overqualified for a lot of them, I am underqualified for a lot of them. That is my main issue, I think. Nobody wants to pay someone overqualified, nobody wants to train somebody underqualified. I have failed as an adult. But I can succeed at getting thin.
My friends have forgotten about me. I am obsessive about a particular person. I am hard to read and a little odd and do not make friends easily. I’m a horrible girlfriend. I have failed in the relationship department. But I can succeed at getting thin.
Do you see a pattern? I feel like the fact that I can see it helps me not feed into the urge to overexercise (a form of bulimia, by the way) and deprive myself. I can see it clearly. Hey, ED, I got yer number. Get the f*** back, bro. And because I’ve processed this with all of you and have it documented, I feel better. I’m going to go eat an apple and peanut butter now. Thanks for listening.