I was so happy. What happened to that?

I got my old job back.

The job that left me bruised and bloodied. The one that gave me hematomas that lasted for months. The one that left me too poor to pay my bills, but not poor enough to qualify for assistance. The one that made me feel like driving into a lake was a better option for my health. The job that haunted every hour of my life. The job that made me cry every day at 2pm, 5pm, 11:30pm, 2am and then to sleep. The job that was a constant reminder of how much I f***ed my life up at age 18 by being too crazy for college, too poor for college, too quiet and shy for college. The job that I walked out of a month ago because I couldn’t take it another second.

I was damn good at it, that’s the only reason I’ve been allowed the pleasure of returning. In this economy, walking out of a job, even a soul-crushing, oppressive job that makes you suicidal, is a mistake.

In the last month, I’ve applied for maybe 15 jobs. Not a single one has called me back. I know that if I were pulled into an interview, I would get at least a few job offers, but looking good on paper is not my strength. I went to college, but nobody cares because you’re not “educated” unless you have a $40k rectangle of paper that says you are. I dropped out because my chest felt like it was exploding in class. I was hospitalized. Now I’m $30K in student debt without a degree. The American system of higher education is a joke.

Anyway, they offered me my job back because I worked hard and did a great job. Also, the job is so terrible that nobody else wants to work it. I took it. And here it is, the night before I go back, and I’m wondering where I should go to swallow an entire bottle of Wellbutrin, washed down with a liter of vodka. I feel like I will never find anything else. That I’m stuck and there’s no way out. I’m in so much debt, I’m drowning in it. My “to do” list never gets any shorter, however my list of “people I can trust” list dwindles down by the day. I have nothing to look forward to. Fuck “making something” to look forward to. I can’t. I have nobody to share it with and no money to make anything out of. I’m completely lost and feel spent. I’m 26. Is life supposed to be this terrible? Is this normal? Please tell me it’s not. This can’t be “real life” for the majority of people. I’m in hell and I’m stuck here.

I just need to vent. I’m probably not going to go swallow all of my Wellbutrin tonight. I do kind of want that bottle of vodka though. I stopped drinking months ago. What am I supposed to do? I’m on meds. I exercise. I eat right. I get enough sleep. What am I doing wrong? What have I done to deserve this?

 

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